These Days...

In my life, I am in one of those spots. You know the ones, where everything seems as crazy as possible; and yet, exactly like it's suppose to be.

To say that my life makes absolutely no sense would be the understatement of the century. But... I've found out neither does a lot of peoples. When I was younger I use to (honestly) think that I was something special. Like there was this big plan for me. But there's not; and that's ok. I'm really very cool with that. It's taken me a while to get here too.

The most important thing you should take from my pathetic ramblings here, on this bland space of cyber-space, is that whatever avenue in life you've decided to take -- make sure it's what you want. Don't worry about everyone else's expectations. Don't even worry if you're the best at something... or even anything. The truth is, that it doesn't matter.

What matters the most is that you're inwardly happy with the choices you make everyday. That they are your own, and further that you make no excuses for them. That way when what you're doing isn't spectacular or even what you imagined as a kid, it'll still feel good.

Gia

Life. ...and death.

Energy and Peace.

If I stopped today, it was still worth it. Even the terrible mistakes that I have made, and would have unmade if I could.

The pains that have burned me and scarred my soul, it was worth it... for having been allowed to walk where I've walked; which was to hell on earth, heaven on earth,
back again,
into,
under,
far in between,
through it,
in it
and above.

-Gia

There are many quotes that you pick up along the way. Quotes you fall in love with, and subsequently forget. Some that hover in the background, that come back in time of need. There are also those quotes that stay with you. For me Gia's quote has been one of the latter. I think this is because I am constantly making mistakes, and learning new things everyday. I also like the bright spec's in it. Do you see them? It is about the end, most definitely, but realizing that at the end of something important (life even) it was worth it. Now as I said before, for me this isn't the end by any means. There are those times that do feel like an ending, and those are the times where this applies.

In Flux

It is time to make new memories. To move somewhere new, experience different things. I am ready to be scared again.

I am transferring to Weber for the last of my schooling. I lose some things, I gain other things.

This blog was set up for me to catalog my change, track my footsteps, a journal of sorts. Problem is there is way to much to catalog right now.

The positive spin on all of this is that it feels right.

"If I met me now, I wouldn't know me"

It's Always the Things You Take For Granted

30 minutes ago I was laughing with my co-workers about hospital stories. It was late, and work was slow. I don't know these people outside of work, not really; but I found my eyes watering from laughing so hard.

So many things in life seem to pass you by. No matter how hard you try to hold on to some things, and even some things you push away -- inevitably they all have their own time frame. While I have been rapped up in the time frame I have taken a lot for granted. I have left a lot unnoticed.

"Take what you have, while you have it; You'll lose it soon enough."

Qua, my aging Acura, drove so steady on the freeway ride home this evening that I almost forgot her age. The car has over 100,000 miles and you could have kept water in a glass.

While traveling from school to work I usually pick up fast food. Its a bland routine that needed some spice. Instead of my usual chicken fingers and fries I decided to get an Iceburg shake. Yep, just ice cream to substitute for a whole meal. It made me feel like a careless adolescent for 5 minutes.
That felt good.

My Hair co-operated today for the first time in a very long time. It's really low maintenance, and doesn't take more than 5 minutes, but I'm proud.

these moments I didn't realize until I sat down to write to you. I'm glad I did. It's funny the things that go right in a day.

"I am suggesting that as we go through life we try to "accentuate the positive." I am asking that we look a little deeper for the good, that we still our voices of insult and sarcasm, that we more generously compliment virtue and effort."

-Gordon B. Hinckley

The Beginning of a New Chapter -- 24

I am a week into School, Fall 09. I have all of my homework complete, and it's 10:30.

I also have top and bottom braces now. I have always waved a muted nerd charm at those who I came in contact with, now, it's a blistering loud siren that I can't hide! ...and that's ok. It couldn't have come at a better time. This time next year will be worth it.

Kristi, once gone, has returned with all the love and laughter I'd missed. Being around her makes me happy. Its true what they say about friends, you can have a million and it still can't compare to one real friend. We cant go back to Brandon and Kristi, but we are forming a new Brandon ---and--- Kristi, separate, but amazing. Im very happy.

My parents are still dealing with the aftershocks of the funeral, and arrangements with the will/house/cars and everything else. They are on vacation in North Carolina this week to re-charge. I hope they do.

Life is very normal right now, and I feel lucky and blessed.

Dear Grandpa

I lost you this week.

I know your better off.

Losing people you love is really hard. For me, I seem to try and forget about it by doing busy work -- but then my mind will remember something and I'll unwillingly be forced into feeling sad about it.

When I was 15 I would visit my aunt whenever I missed her, which was pretty often. On one occasion my aunt and I decided to call grandpa up and do lunch at Rainbow Gardens. I'll never forget it. I remember the smell of the black complimentary mints as we waited for the table, I remember the Sprite I ordered fizzing over the top of the straw, the way the sun shown blindly through the huge windows. Linda and Grandpa making conversation about something in the news, and me, with my head resting on my arm, thinking how much life couldn't get any better. One of the happiest times of my life easily. I think I'm paying the price these years for being blessed so much as a child and adolescent (not really, but it feels that way at times.)

On sad moments like these I often think of what it must be like for those who don't get along with there aunts and grandfathers. I have no real regrets, I did spend a lot of time with each of them. I talked with them, fearlessly asked the questions I wanted to, shared my dreams and ambitions to tired unwavering ears. I feel sorry for those who not only have sadness for a loss, but also regret for opportunity lost.

"Life is just a series of goodbyes"